Christmas 2009 is over (and was very fun), so now is the time that I start looking to the new year. I probably set New Year’s Resolutions for myself about half the time, and this year I’m going to jump on a bandwagon with a lot of other Americans – sort of.

Here’s the deal. I’m going to lose weight in 2010. How trite, huh? Before you die of boredom, hear me out. I have a cunning plan. I came up with this plan about a decade ago, and I think it’s time to put it in place.

My BMI (body mass index) falls smack-dab in the middle of the normal range. Oh, this is getting more boring by the second! The point is that I’m a healthy and active person, so weight loss isn’t something I need to do for my health. It’s for my face. This is my plan…

Over the next year I slowly lose weight to get myself down to the low end of normal on the BMI scale. Because I’m 5’11”, that’s TWENTY FIVE pounds. Holy shit. Anyway, I lose this weight slowly enough so that my skin has plenty of time to keep up and stay taut, especially on my face. I will maintain this weight for the next ten years or so, until I start to see old lady wrinkles on my face. Then I just gain ten or fifteen pounds to flesh-out my face a bit, and viola! Lines gone! No plastic surgery!

I’m pretty sure you’re laughing now, but all brilliant people get laughed at, so I’m flattered. Thank you.

When this plan is a glowing success, I’ll be on the Today show and everyone will want to do it. Watch this space for the next eleven years and you’ll see.